2011.12.22

by J C W

so.

that’s the moment I get completely, completely conquered

Invaded… destroyed, ravaged…

 

depression over me…

feeling of absolute slavery, etc.

 

I am the failed one, etc.

 

So theoretically,

The right time to overcome that

To transform that into something else…

 

*

 

Ted Hughes… buy the complete works?

 

Probably…

 

Something dark, Gesualdian around him…

Obviously…

 

*

 

So. Tumblr, Tumblr…

 

The only thing I feel able to do…

And probably not even … ‘well’…

That is, not … ‘successfully’ ?

 

How to measure value…

Value seems as frail in me as the rest…

Doubt, doubt everywhere…

 

 

*

 

quite a depressive day…

 

but clearly not as dark as academic laden ones…

 

depressed because of separation, loss of her, and her shadow around me…

 

depressed most of all because of this emptiness in front of me…

 

because of my impossibility to take decisions,

 

because of my fears, my cowardice…

 

How shall I do it?

 

I have to finish a bloody text, first…

 

And, well…

 

I need to choose.

I need to know what I shall do…

 

And this, unfortunately, is impossible…

Or was.

 

Because something in me changed.

 

Something in me…

 

Might have left already…

 

*

 

I manage to read.

That is a good thing…

 

I manage to read.

 

Lines, thoughts,

Enter my closed, narcissistic brain.

 

That is good.

 

That is a truly good thing.

 

A beginning.

 

*

 

Question of academia…

Very, very ugly question.

 

There is always a part of me

Thinking I should actually stay…

 

And another one

Who would clearly, clearly go away…

 

shit.

 

The thing, of course,

Is that my survival is not at all certain.

I have grown weak, insecure…

depressed, inactive…

 

and it will grow worse and worse…

 

I have done nothing…

Sneezing shit…

 

And I hate myself, I hate myself continually…

 

Such an ugly life…

And yet such a peaceful life!

A life of stability, almost

 

Supposed stability…

Because inside the only thing is

Insecurity, competition, etc.

 

There is no stability.

Nothing.

 

Bloody hell…

What place in society…

What life?

 

Is there a way out of this swamp?

 

Is there a hope?

 

Something?

 

I need to choose.

And I can’t…

I feel I haven’t got the required elements, the necessary knowledge…

Or this is an illusion,

And actually desire is the key.

 

And actually something is there behind this ‘knowledge/elements’ excuse…

Something tabooed, blocked, etc.

 

*

 

Truly…

The question of money…

It shall be there…

 

I feel it.

Painful.

 

 

 

Despair, despair.

 

Despair, despair, despair…

 

I shouldn’t dwell on that…

 

I should do something else…

Somehow…

 

Something that would… make my life different

 

I thought I could revolutionize things…

With Tumblr, for instance.

And yes, it’s true…

If this Tumblr, as silly and Pop as it is, suddenly got an amazing audience,

I would clearly feel different…

Maybe it’s actually better if it didn’t?

 

Maybe, weak as I am, I would, well…

Become distorted…?

Obsessed with that…?

(Maybe I am already…)

 

In any case,

There is an obsession

With recognition,

Fame, etc.

 

Absolute, absolute obsession.

Just like for money, and lifestyle…

 

But, well…

Misery, misery…

 

This pain in the head.

 

Not so present when I tumblr…

But only, of course, if I tumblr actively…

Crazily, even, just like in the beginning…

 

Near 4’000 thousand posts…

In a month, that’s not that bad…

 

But it’s much, much more difficult now…

 

It’s rarer for me to discover blogs where I find so many images I want to reblog that I reach the daily post limit…

 

Anyway…

 

The true problem, in all this,

Is the academic situation

And the question of my departure.

 

I don’t have any bloody answer.

And given my affinities…

Given… my desires

I will just end up…

poor, and mediocre…

 

Not a particularly enchanting idea.

Hell.

 

So much pessimism…

Misery, misery…

 

*

 

Blocked.

The great, great block.

I cannot flee any more.

I am just

At the wall.

 

Now I need to act.

I need to find a way.

 

Shit.

 

Shit.

 

How, how, how?

 

Answer:

Use the existing structures

 

The thing is, of course,

It would require to know what I want!!!

 

Probably I won’t be able to escape language

And go into music…

Probably I’ll have to stick to language…

 

Everything makes me sad…

 

I might be at it.

Right at this moment I dreamt of…

And nothing happy surges in my belly…

Nothing.

Nothing.

 

Just … a grey indifference…

Something like despair.

 

What is the solution?

What is the path?

 

Shit, shit, shit.

 

None.

I see none.

 

Nothing, nothing, nothing.

 

*

 

A memory:

Freud, having finished The Interpretation of Dreams,

Thought the book would make him absolutely famous.

It did not.

It was almost ignored.

He wrote a very small book afterwards, On Dreams, which was more diffused!

 

He could not imagine that actually

What he was doing in this first book

Was just laying the basis

Of something far, far greater…

Something that would only be fully deployed

Years after that…

 

Hopefully this might give me some … hope…

Even irrational…

 

Always epicize.

Always aggrandize…

 

*

 

 

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