2011.12.09

by J C W

Inaction…

 

dreadful.

 

I feel I become silly.

 

I feel my mind is dying…

 

Yet, of course, I cannot force on the body any more, as I used to…

 

Library… I feel the stifling…

 

I wish I could find some… other way

 

A way of being in activity

 

A way that would be more productive than, say, re-blogging,

And yet which would not be stained by the life reducing disflow of my usual intellectual habitus.

 

Read bits of literature…

Always bits…

 

What I lack, of course, is this sparkle.

 

What I found in tumblr recently.

Discovery of something amazing,

That draws me into it.

Passion, deep passion…

 

I guess the objection to that would be to say that a more regular, more stable kind of work would help me a lot…

If I were able to invest less energy, but more ‘reasonably’…

If I were able to read less fascinating things… I would be able to escape the ‘lows’ that those ‘highs’ create…

 

Maybe, maybe not…

 

Two ways of working, I suppose…

 

Now again I think, think, write…

 

Without direction… (and always with the potential… tendinitis thing on the right hand, I need to be careful…)

 

 

My ‘official’ work is still completely suspended…

 

I am supposed to read a lot…

And I am not, of course…

My assimilation process is blocked. Almost entirely blocked.

 

*

 

Slight obsession with her.

What should I do…

Forget her?

Manage to reach casualness?

 

Sadness, really, to see that the Game seems to rule after all…

Sadness to see that there is no escape from it…

 

? Escape from it, meaning…

That in this frame of mind I am an absolute loser…

Somebody without hope, without any solution.

 

This is the thing that should be avoided, overthrown.

 

*

 

I try to read philosophy…

Descartes, Spinoza…

 

Maybe someday I will manage to reach contemporary analytic stuff,

Zalta and his axiomatized metaphysics…

 

My mind seems so weak, so lazy…

 

Rather, my mind needs an energy that I do not seem to have at hand…

A corporeal energy…

When I try, something in the body happens. Anxiety rises, tension occurs…

And I don’t want that.

Tonicity is great, is the goal: I don’t know how to achieve that.

 

Tonicity of the mind.

 

This is the big deal.

 

Strange, by the way, how my ‘concrete’ situation is less of a problem…

That is, strange how I don’t feel anxiety regarding that.

 

Sure origin:

Blog.

i.e., those hours and hours spent in pure forgetfulness of myself

In pure flow.

It is a radical cure. For anxiety as such.

Anxiety of this thing or that might be, indeed, anxiety as such, which is fostered, encouraged, by this or that thing.

A strong cure against anxiety would do a global job..

As anxiety decreases globally, anxiety towards this or that areas of my life is, logically, less important.

 

And, indeed, it is not clear at all that this would mean a disinvestment from those problems.

It might be that I would be more available to solve them.

More ready to give energy to them, because I have enough

Because I am no more in this dreadful scarcity, etc.

 

*

 

Activity does not seem to be so impossible…

It started again, slowly… very slowly…

And in domains without real public diffusion…

But it started…

 

The thing is now, to be able to reach this visibility state again,

But with an integrated, organic being-in-activity…

i.e. without inner self-denial, destructive torsion, etc.

 

Difficult.

Maybe impossible, at least in an Academic context…

 

*

 

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